One thing wrong with April 1st is that you can't do anything serious without people wondering if you're just pulling their leg. I'm not. I just wanted to clarify that right off. If necessary, I will repost this tomorrow.
It's a sad thing to realize that I don't know people as well as I sometimes think. Even upon casual meetings, people start to tell me that something is "like me" or "unlike me," they start to tell me what films would "suit me" or make suggestions about ways to accomplish "my goals." I put all these in heavy, heavy quotes because the first thought that always comes to mind in these conversations is that they don't know me as well as they think they do. How would they know what books I'll like? Have they seen me cry? Do they know what moves me? How do they know what secret fire burns in my soul?
Before this turns into a bad song, let me pan back a second and finish my thought. As sad as it is to realize I don't know people as well as I thought, or that others don't know me as well as they think, it's even sadder to think about whether I know myself as well as I think.
What do I really want? What moves me? What is that fire thing? When the remnants of my fleshy brain finally starts shorting out in my robo-body a thousand years from now, will I look back and be glad of this or that? Or will I long for something else, something I never had even in that long life?
Who am I really? What do I stand for? What do I want to do with my life? And no thanks, poetry teacher, for bringing up these unanswerable cosmic questions I've spent long hours in front of glowing screens trying to push down.
The Charming Mr. Wheaton
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My Dearest Gentle Readers,
It is with the greatest pleasure that I am able to inform you that on this
very day I was so delightfully privileged as to meet t...
15 years ago
oh, my friend, i feel your pain. i am in the existential crisis of my twenties right now, and am just trying to ride it out, hoping that some of those damned questions will be answered and that something will come from all of this mess.
ReplyDeleteah, to be a simple conformist...
um.....ditto? I know this feeling. I am this feeling. (And, by the way - I plan to send you writing and comments on your writing tomorrow. Can we still be friends?)
ReplyDeleteWhat is wrong with someone "knowing" you? Does this somehow rob you of identity, of those secret things you think you need to keep safe from everyone? Or is predictability simply a sign of familiarity and even friendship?
ReplyDeleteThis is what is wrong with this country. People are so guarded over their identities, or the control they wish they had over them, that they refuse to risk themselves with others for fear of rejection. But really, isn't risking this familiarity what it's all about? Friends and enemies alike are made in this manner, passions are made, lovers are born, and everything else: the enigmatic personalities we think we construct, the secrets, the lies we tell ourselves, and the ambitions we harbor lose relevance in the face of the physical. Companionship, experience, voiced animosity, all of these take precedence. Birthed in part from these self perceptions, sure, but also the only legacy these secrets leave.
I don't mean to attack you, blogger. I think your thoughts are beautiful and important. I would merely suggest that when the defensive "you don't know me" takes over, brush it aside and be known. To know is to love, after all.
I have found that existential futures are built from these manifestations. Risk an identity enough and people value you for it, you become known for it, and remembered for it. It is in this fossil record of your true existence that your desires, your longings, and your secret fires awaken and stumble into the world.
Just like in your blog. And if it's on the internet, it has to be true!
I think Anonymous missed your point. It sounded like your problem was not with other people knowing you, but with other people thinking they know you when they don't. That's a very important distinction.
ReplyDeleteI believe that time will heal this wound. You will meet someone else and things will fall into place naturally. There really are people like that out there, and it's only a matter of time until you meet one for you.
Chin up, sir! Stiff upper lip and all that! Wot wot!